Dear Self from 2005
Dearest Ojas from 2005,
I love you. You are as adorable and special now as you were as a child. I know you’re devastated by not clearing IIT JEE. To be honest I’m still sad to this day. But I want us to put this behind us, and find another worthy challenge to take up, in our quest for world domination 😈.
I would like you to overcome your pain because it will help me overcome my pain today. We’ve been conditioned to equate success with worthiness by society, although it feels native now. Really Ojas, your goodness and worthiness is not a reflection of the marks you get, the exams you clear, the prestige you earn, the things you achieve. You are pure and brilliant and awe inspiring, a shining star! And you don’t have to achieve anything to prove it. So please lift the burden as it will relieve the burden off me too.
I know you gave everything you had to clear JEE, and I’m so proud of you. You are a hero despite not clearing it. You’re a hero for taking up the seemingly insurmountable challenge. The courage, the determination (dithermination) you showed, the discipline, the effort and energy you expended for it, the sacrifices you made. And you did all that while battling depression.. severe low moods, so much turmoil, so much pain. The incessant quest for life’s purpose. And so much hurt of not getting Axxxxxxx (psst.. eventually you got her! She came back to you and you didn’t want her anymore. So you won that game, though it was too late). You really put everything you had. It was the defining moment of your life to that point. Alas, you felt it could have taken you to new heights. But my dearest, engineering was never your calling. It was just one exam. The course of your life is going to be very different, your interests will soon evolve as your search for truth intensifies.
I know it was a big blow for you to not clear JEE, admittedly the biggest in your life till date, but it was for the good. The failure will teach you a lot, although it will be quite painful. You will go through many flavours of life, ones that you desired and ones you never thought you will experience. You will live in the UK and in Canada, you’ll be a graduate of BITS Pilani and of UCL! You’ll work, make money but not stick around at any job. Instead, all your attention will be on uncovering layers of the truth. From psychology to philosophy to spirituality. It will engulf you, not glamorously but quite excruciatingly. You’ll do all kinds of spiritual seeking, and finally settle on one brand of truth that feels closest to home. My dearest, that’s all that really matters, that ever mattered. You knew it from so long ago, the search for singularity (ptsyncgruality). You knew you’re already at 90% of the way and the final 10% would take very long. And that’s what’s happening. I’m still not there yet. But it will happen.
Ojas, your purpose has never been to earn lots of money, live a luxurious life. Yes, you do want to rule the world, and you will. The goodness in you will shine through and illuminate the world.. as you have always known. It has already started. You have started many communities, and have transitioned to a life coach as your career path. You want to motivate and inspire people all over the world which you have done, and will continue to do. You have a YouTube channel that you have chosen as the medium to deliver your gifts. And you have so many gifts, it was already evident in childhood, you have known it. Sometimes, one’s genius can also be a curse, but I really think the suffering you’re going to go through has been necessary, and fundamental to what you will become.
So all I ask of you is to chill. Your life is already chalked out. It’s a mix of good and bad, but that’s how it will pan out. And although you will feel responsible for the things you do, it’s not really in your hands. So just sit back and let things happen. Be relaxed, see the world unfolding before you, including yourself. It will bring you here, in Dharamsala, at the end of 2023 where I’m writing to you from. And when you arrive here, you will have completed the full loop, 18 years later, and be in a state of neutrality and peace. More peace than you are feeling now, or you have ever felt. A peace that stems from equanimity. Your journey, everything that comes in it, is worth it. So own it, be one with it and just chill. You’ve worked very very hard. You deserve it. And you are loved and protected always. So release any burden you are feeling and let your guards down. There is nothing to fear, nothing to lose. Everything is yours. You have everything you ever needed. You are complete. So be at peace, for it will help me be at peace.
