Inside the mind of an addict

I won’t do it after today, I promise

It’s not supposed to be so hard.

There’s no point, I’m never going to be able to make it.
It’s not worth going through so much pain. I mean what’s going to change. I don’t see my life being any different.
I swear I won’t do it again. Just once
I’m not so strong
I’m going to go mad, I’m losing my mind
It’s really not such a big deal. One time isn’t going to change the world.
I will make it next time.

I’m not strong enough.
I’m never going to make it
I’ve resisted so much already. Isn’t it enough?
I can’t take it any longer, I’ve stretched as far as I could
I will learn from this experience and do better next time.
Next time will be easier. Next time I’ll pull it off.
I’ll be better prepared next time
One time never hurt anyone.

This is taking up all my attention, my time, my energy
I’m not able to function or do anything else
I do want to change but not sure I want to change so badly
I really need it. My body needs it.
It’s not possible to change so suddenly. There may be side effects.
It’s not humanly possible to do it.

I see many others doing it too. It’s normal.
What’s the point of doing this, what made me decide to do it?
what I am experiencing is not normal and not healthy.
Please, one last time.
There’s no use trying.

I’m going mad.
Please have mercy on me.
It’s an impossible task. I’ve struggled so much in the space of 15 minutes. It’s just day 2. I can’t keep going through this for 21 days.
It’s all I can think about.
What’s your problem?

After all this struggle, can I just do this once? I’m exhausted.
I’m such a slave of my senses.
…

That phase was done. That time was settled. Now at least let me do it.
…

I have held back all this while. Now can I do it?
…

It’s been a whole day. At least now can I?
…

Enough is enough. I can’t do it anymore.
…

It’s so hard. Am I really that strong?
One miss is going to break my 3 day streak. Is it worth it? It’s almost unbearable now.
…

I’m sorry, that’s it, I’m doing it.

Originally composed Feb 2, 2023.

Many of us have gone through this struggle. You are not alone. The first 3 days are the hardest. If you relapse, try again. Seek help of a friend or professional if need be. You can do it.