Quitting

It feels worse than a breakup.
The last step….
The painful reluctance of letting go your life support. The faithful companion, zarurat me mera iklauta sahara…
The last clinging remnants of a terrible past that you want to forget but you just can’t get over it.
How can I let it go???

Nostalgia
For old times sake
Bas ek aur

Aaaaand….. relapse!

But it has to end somewhere, right? When?
Bas, when the girl of my dreams finally says yes. When I finally get a pay raise. When I get out of my shitty job and start my own business. When I move abroad. When I overcome my depression. When Liverpool finally win the league again.

When the right time comes. When it feels right. Jab thoda stress kam ho jaye.
Ok baba, tomorrow. Happy?
Now go away annoying thoughts…. And let me cherish my last ciggi, my last bottle, my last joint.
Let me feel high just one more time because *uske baad zindagi jhand hai*.

Maybe it’s because we feel life is not in our control. *Jo chal raha hai chalne do*. I am surviving and that is enough. Kal jo hoga dekha jayega.

Phir aapme aur gai me kya farak?

Yes, I know terrible things have happened in the past, with you and with me.
Oh how can I possibly forget the hurt, the pain.
I used to be strong but now I’m helpless
I used to be trusting but now I doubt everything
I used to love unconditionally but now all that’s left in me is hate.
And that’s why I can’t and won’t move on. I don’t care.
So I will just give up all hope, put a dagger in my heart and numb myself so there is no more pain.

There was a beautiful Hindi poem in our 9th standard textbook by Harivanshray Bachchan.
A few lines…
नाश के दुख से कभी
दबता नहीं निर्माण का सुख
प्रलय की निस्तब्धता से
सृष्टि का नव गान फिर-फिर!

नीड़ का निर्माण फिर-फिर,
नेह का आह्वान फिर-फिर!

Forgive yourself
It’s okay. It’s okay.

How long will you let things happen to you? How long will you keep waiting for that ideal state, that moment of inspiration, that illusory state where everything clicks and life is smooth ever after?

Standing at the foot, boys,
Gazing at the sky,
How can you get up, boys,
If you never try?

There’s something that a certain father of our nation said….

Don’t want for external circumstance to improve your state.
Make it happen
It’s all about willpower

There comes a point when enough is enough and it’s time for a change.

And this is how it’s done. You take the first baby step and then it follows…

This is how it ends… for me. For ever.

Life is the most beautiful amazing mysterious thing! Just give it a chance to excite you. Give yourself a chance.

Choose life not drugs

Performed at The Habitat, Mumbai on 27.11.2017