Spiritual Masturbation
I think of that girl.
Then I see myself thinking of that girl.
Then I see myself seeing that.
Then I see that seer.
Then I see that too.
I see that.
The thoughts are echoing in my mind
I see that.
I see myself seeing that
I see that.
I’m getting sick of this
I see that
I see myself seeing that
I see the myself that’s getting stuck in this shit
I see that I’m seeing this
Layer after layer, peeling peeling
Seeing but am I really seeing
Or is this hallucination
Am I a hallucinating myself into being?
Am I just an echo?
I see myself thinking this
I am thinking too much
Fuck this shit, I don’t want to be the witness
I see
I see the frustration
The desire, desperation to see through. Break through,
my skull and look at myself
like a mirror
but I’m still stuck in my head
first person view
I see that
I see everything
But that’s no fucking good
They say I’m self aware
Yeah I’m aware, but who is this self?
I see myself entering into spiritual masturbation
It’s all pointless
I believe that
I can’t even see
I’m writing this now, I see the bestseller this is going to be.
Such a sellout. A fake
Now comes the self critical self
I see that
Who’s seeing that seeing?
Witness the witness, Biroo asks me
The fuck do I know. Do I care
For all I know I’m just going to be stuck in this self referencing loop
Ojas.exe has encountered a critical error and will restart
restart
re-re-re-re-re — — retard
That was probably a bit too harsh
I mean, what will the audience think?
In this age of inclusion and mental health destigmatization
Now I’m woefully self aware
Of these cyclical thoughts
Negative thoughts
Afraid of the downward spiral
I must not overthink it
I dare not throw myself into the pit again
The caffeine is wearing off
I am scared
I see this
It’s my worst fear, I’m very familiar with it
It feels like I’m looking into a black hole
Don’t bend over too far
I feel the light being sucked out of me.
I feel dread
It’s getting hard to type
It’s all pointless
Can I see this?
Where did the seer go?
I am alone
There is nobody to see
I’m doing downnnn
Keep your eyes open… don’t fall asleep.
Composed Jan 21, 2020 1:49 am
